How’s That Whole30 Going You Ask?

So yeah, about that Whole30… Well, it started off good. The first few days went exactly as expected and then, (here comes one of the excuses!) I got sick. Everything changed. The last thing I cared about was whether the food I had was compliant. I only cared if it sounded good and if I could actually eat it, which meant it was mainly Sprite and Ritz crackers… Hang on, let me explain.

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Last Friday, I spent most of the day in the ER after spending a few days with what I assumed was just the same stomach bug everyone else in my vicinity had. But I knew I was dehydrated so I figured it couldn’t hurt to get a couple of bags of saline along with some reassurance. My husband was incredibly relieved at my single instant of sanity when I finally asked him to drive me Friday morning. He was supposed to have been out of town but he cancelled his plans to make sure I was ok. Turns out, that was a very good thing.

So off to the ER we go. I managed to take a shower, but let’s just say my febrile fashion sense left a little to be desired. I was looking for things that touched me a little as possible and required little to no effort to put on or take off. So I went with sweats and crocs. Yup, I was hot – and not just from the fever! Thankfully, he loves me enough to be seen in public with me when I look like I should be under a bridge in a Bavarian forest scaring children.

Luckily the waiting room was empty and we got back pretty fast. I chatted with the nurse and the doctor and explained what had been going on. He tended to agree that it was just a bug and I needed fluids, but was willing to run some tests to be sure. Of course, my temp was normal when the nurse took it. Judas body!!

My veins are shy on a GOOD day. Factor in a cold hospital room, a gown with even less style that my previous ensemble and 3 days of dehydration and they were WAY past Anti-Social! That nurse was good, but she was no match. It took all she had to get enough blood for the tests. Getting an IV in was out of the question, no matter how much we all wanted it.

I’ll say this though, that EKG lady was like the Flash! She was in and out in 2 minutes flat and most of that was just getting the little sticky things on me. It took twice as long to get them all off. Of course all of those things came back inconclusive, except to show dehydration which we already knew.

Up next – a CT scan. A breezy ride down the hallway and a couple of passes through the Magic Donut and I was back to waiting for results. Eventually the doctor came in with a diagnosis of Colitis, inflammation of the colon. Sounds fun right? Just wait! This is a “condition that is more prevalent in people over 40” according to the doctor. People over 40 he says!

When did 40 become the new 80?? Did I miss a memo or something??

I didn’t think I had to worry about age related illnesses for another decade or two dammit!! Anyway, he prescribed 2 weeks worth of antibiotics and referred me to a GI specialist for – you guessed it – a Colonoscopy! Jackpot! That’s precisely what you want after feeling like your insides have been melting for days, the prospect of a camera in them to look forward to.

In the meantime, I’m supposed to adhere to a low-fiber, low-sugar diet and “give my system a break” while the antibiotics work their wonders. You know what you can’t have on this diet? Raw vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, legumes, any other high fiber foods, artificial sugars, fruit juices, sports drinks, sodas, alcohol, coffee, OR tea!

You know what that leaves me?

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WATER!!

It leaves me water, but I’m putting lemon juice in it dang it! I also get bread (but not whole grain), potatoes, bananas, applesauce and crackers. So basically I’m on the Prison Diet for the next 2 weeks… And not one of those cushy white-collar crime prisons either. Sigh.

I did find another reference source last night that advocated for lean protein and salmon as well as avocado, so my life isn’t completely over. But no salads for sure. I think my husband danced just a bit at that part. Maybe it actually *was* the kale that was killing me! I hate cutting out a lot of the healthy things I’ve worked hard to add into my diet over the past few years but I REALLY don’t want to aggravate this again.

So the Whole30 is halted for the moment. I did step on the wiiFit scale this morning to see how things were going. I’ve lost 6.4 pounds in the last 12 days, despite managing to keep down a chicken sandwich yesterday… That was more than enough for the machine to tell me it was “worried about my health.” Me too Little Buddy. Me too. For the record, I do NOT recommend virulent bacterial infections for weight loss…

I’m marginally better this morning. I’m planning on taking it easy this week and taking off from most of my responsibilities when I can. My daughter said she saw a LOT of NetFlix binge-watching in my future. I think she’s right. And once again, praise the Grocery Pick-up Gods at Kroger for saving me from wandering around the store!

So tell me, anyone else have Colitis? If so, what’s your advice for the next few weeks? Or anyone have any other glamorous “Over 40” condition that you’ve been diagnosed with? Tell me what else I have to look forward to…

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